Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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