anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
