What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
