One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
