Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
