Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
