So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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