Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
A+ Viking dick
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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