I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
