I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
