So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
