i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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