I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
