Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
