Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
