i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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