I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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