Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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