She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
