You really coming over, don't trick.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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