Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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