Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
