Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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