and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
