I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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