Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
