I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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