Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
