So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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