Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
