Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
