Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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