remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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