Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
