I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
