I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
