just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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