Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
