You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
