I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.