I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.