Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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