Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
