After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
