i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
