i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
