It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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