Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
nutella sex= disaster
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
