The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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