This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
