My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
