I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize