She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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