I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
