the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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