Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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