my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
