So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
