I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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