So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
