I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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