Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
