I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
